We walked through the park today, soaking in drizzle and golden hues of Autumn. Because my girls stopped to admire soggy red leaves, bigger than our faces, floating in puddles, I stopped too. And I heard myself say, "Why do we have to admire all the beautiful red leaves on the ground instead of in the trees?"
The leaves on the trees are still mostly green, some turning yellow-ochre, still a few brilliant yellow. I saw hardly any red ones still hanging from branches; instead, they were scattered at our feet, brilliant against the mud.
The beauty of the scene obviously made an impression on me, but in that moment, I whined: I wanted to see the leaves in the treetops, dancing in the breeze and glistening with raindrops.
But didn't I take this picture only days ago? And wasn't I the one who added that text to the photo--"look down!" Wasn't I the one whose fingers tingled as I tapped out that reminder, tickled with new possibilities of capturing on film the beauty amidst the grunge of life?
Where was my heart today? I guess it was down there in the mud with the leaves. And you know what? That's ok too. Because that deep, rich soil is where seeds of hope germinate in darkness. And seeds are only seeds because they are meant for more, just as darkness is only darkness because of the blinding Light that breaks through to overwhelm it.
THIS is why I create: to inspire others, to share joy, yes. But more often these days it's to inspire me, to remind myself of the good things, to shout Truth to Sarah in moments when she's dancing in the treetops, so that echoes of that Truth will still be resounding later, even if only in a whisper, when she's flat on her back, floating in the mud.
Would really appreciate some healing thoughts and prayers, friends. I'm struggling health-wise (which is something I honestly hardly ever admit even to my closest friends and family) and have been literally flat on my back for the good part of a week with a flare-up of Chronic Fatigue and Fibromyalgia symptoms. I hate to say those words out loud (or type them, I guess). But since sometimes I refer in my posts to struggles with inspiration or motivation, I thought it might be good to confront the reality of what often causes these struggles--which is me, not resting enough, not taking care of myself, not loosening up on this ridiculous pressure I put on myself. There it is in print--the truth. Your thoughts and prayers are most appreciated, and I am so thankful for this little "home" in cyberspace that time and time again, feels like such a safe place to work out my "stuff."